(no subject)

[proximoception]

Wrote a tiny poem c. 1998-9, among my very first, with a deliberate grammatical error, of which I immediately disliked the H. Rider Haggardness but couldn't come up with a suitable replacement:

The shape of she
Escapes from me
When finally I find her

But she's the kit
That fashioned it
And knits a fit reminder

How could that best have been fixed? I've come up with nothing each time it's called back to mind. I know it's not much of a poem - and you can see how into rhyme I was - but it still tugs as unfinished business. "Her modality" is too long, "Her shape, you see" is superfluously chatty, etc.

Comments

[proximoception.livejournal.com]

Hmm. "Her shape (my she)"?

[xhasyxhaxha.livejournal.com]

One way you could do it would be something like-

Her shape slips free,
Escaping me,

But that's using two verbs to do the work of one.
Everything else I thought of orphans the last syllable of 'finally'.