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Oct. 14th, 2010 04:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Wrote a tiny poem c. 1998-9, among my very first, with a deliberate grammatical error, of which I immediately disliked the H. Rider Haggardness but couldn't come up with a suitable replacement:
The shape of she
Escapes from me
When finally I find her
But she's the kit
That fashioned it
And knits a fit reminder
How could that best have been fixed? I've come up with nothing each time it's called back to mind. I know it's not much of a poem - and you can see how into rhyme I was - but it still tugs as unfinished business. "Her modality" is too long, "Her shape, you see" is superfluously chatty, etc.
The shape of she
Escapes from me
When finally I find her
But she's the kit
That fashioned it
And knits a fit reminder
How could that best have been fixed? I've come up with nothing each time it's called back to mind. I know it's not much of a poem - and you can see how into rhyme I was - but it still tugs as unfinished business. "Her modality" is too long, "Her shape, you see" is superfluously chatty, etc.
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Date: 2010-10-15 04:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-15 07:11 pm (UTC)Her shape slips free,
Escaping me,
But that's using two verbs to do the work of one.
Everything else I thought of orphans the last syllable of 'finally'.
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Date: 2010-10-15 07:43 pm (UTC)Also, this made me think of Patti Smith's song 'Dancing Barefoot'!
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Date: 2010-10-15 08:07 pm (UTC)Wasn't there a scene in Amadeus where Mozart extemporaneously riffs on something of Salieri's, just for fun, improving it infinitely without a thought, right in front of him?
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Date: 2010-10-16 09:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-17 02:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-15 08:41 pm (UTC)me: Good grief. Did you see that? That's phenomenal.
Shingly the Worm-Turner: see what
me: me jehnal, mite
cor
SWT: i thought was fine to begin with. 21 y/o's or thereabouts can get away with bad grammar.
two verbs is troublesome
me: Eh, whatever. It solves the problem without sounding stupid, and that's better than I could ever do.
me: Also he adds more alliteration and alliteration is awesome as fuck.
Everyone knows it is.
SWT: sh and sl dont alliterate
me: slips/escapes and free/finally are close enough
me: Anyway why can't there be two verbs? You guys sound like Howard Roark removing collonades.
Fuckin' haiku police.
SWT: verbs are the meaning-weight of a poem! two verbs doing the work of one means two weak verbs
me: Nah they're fine/
It was a non weightbearing verb.
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Date: 2010-10-16 09:57 pm (UTC)Whoever he is, that's a pretty elaborate disguise...
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Date: 2010-10-15 08:15 pm (UTC)Past symphonies of Smith, Pattis - were these as mythy, pat?