(no subject)

[proximoception]

Do you see now what you're like?

Everyone knew but you.

Your straitjacket skin zips tight.

Your eyes block all your view.

Everything's ending now.

Your story has come apart.

Or is this your first chance to begin? Seeing how

there was no other you who could start.

Comments

[grashupfer.livejournal.com]

That first line. I should read that every morning.

[proximoception.livejournal.com]

Your patches of self-concept haze are mostly on the other side of the river from mine, aren't they? Maybe that line's what you should unread every morning.

[grashupfer.livejournal.com]

Maybe yeah. My thinking seems to work hard at doing that for me already.

[nightspore.livejournal.com]

I love this. I wonder whether you need "seeing" in the penultimate line? Start last sentence with "How", make it a question? Better meter, and less interference (or maybe you meant it?) with "see now" and "Your eyes block all your view." Just because it's not only about seeing, I don't think.

[proximoception.livejournal.com]

It's about the sort of seeing from the first line. I think, to the extent I was thinking, I thought the meter stretch fit the expansion of the sudden de-narrowing realization. But if it didn't work it doesn't work. I'll think about what might.

[nightspore.livejournal.com]

No - I'm not sure it doesn't work. It's rhythm is Audenesque, maybe, and it always takes me a while to assimilate the rhythms of an Auden poem. I can see where it would grow on me. I'll let it percolate a while.

[proximoception.livejournal.com]

Presumably there's some way of conveying more or less the same nuance while keeping the ship tight. Auden's aren't, which may be why they mostly sink for me.