(no subject)

[proximoception]

I believe in honesty, expansiveness, and the need to break through all barriers between people and I practice none of that. I hide, understate, try to forget, try to limit. I'd say my beliefs are corrective (e.g. some addicts' need for a stern God) but I know I arrived at them unwillingly. They're where the math led. You're alive? Live. You see others? Share. All noticeable failures occur in this direction, all specific regrets, but withdrawal is the very substance of both - looks different only because unbroken. And it isn't just that you get sick when you don't put everything you have in with what everyone else does. There's an opposite to sickness that isn't merely health, and there's always more, and there's never enough. Remembering which from my habitual sickness feels like a sickness itself, but only the way a wandering air makes a closed room unliveable.

Comments

[jones-casey.livejournal.com]

this is especially compelling, not least because of an impassioned debate i had earlier this evening about the decision to share or not to share.

[grashupfer.livejournal.com]

Have you ever felt you denied yourself help for things you really needed due to hiding and understating? That's one of my own issues.

ETA: wow holy Freudian autocorrect.

[proximoception.livejournal.com]

Yes. Though mostly from hiding and understating what was going on with me so thoroughly that I didn't realize help existed for that sort of thing. Less denial of what I knew than denying myself access to people, who can be sources of surprising information. Though Freud would suspect those were the same.

[proximoception.livejournal.com]

Since that's contorted, one example: if I'd subjected myself to more small talk and newspapers I'd likely have discovered the attention disorder earlier. My sister, who may not even be diagnosable, asked our doctor if she might have it after reading about it in middle school. His dumb answer was the same he'd have given me - that outmoded training problem - but I didn't even know she'd done that. If I had I might have looked into it more. All my eyes needed to do was fall on that list of symptoms - if I didn't put 2 and 2 together then I would have later, given my retention of the gist of what I read, one of the few ways my brain functions well. Might not have gotten me treated then, but most GPs were on board with ADD/PI by the beginning of last decade. What could have been saved seems past counting. Talk to everyone about everything, is the moral. So painful for some of us, but still true.

[grashupfer.livejournal.com]

I can see that. If I had paid more attention to my father's anxiety when he talked sabot it (in other terms) I might have known what was up with me years before I did.